i've just talked with a friend. he was helpin me out with it. made me feel a lot better, but then it just fills up my mind with questions again. "love" is just a one word feeling. its just an emotion. you can have it, lose it, give it, and im not sure what else it does or you can do with it. but well..i just have it

I'm sure that I dont want blank end up dating MB. i dont. MW cant do nothing bout it, cause MW wants it to hapen. and VB doesnt really care. i guess. its hard. doing this on my own. and its just that, if i ddint love blank, i wold love my life. love it. but i dont. im not whos fault it is, for me to love blank. but uh, they like eachother. and i cant do nothing about it. wen it happens. but i wish i was gone. i shuld've left months ago. months. but i stayed...not cause of my friends. not cause of blank. well im not sure about that one. but it was because of my Dad. he changed my mind not even knowin it. im sitting alone. i feel so rotten, and its not even funny. no one can really help me. and im alone. dont know what to do. that suicide thing is coming back to me..the plans, the wheres, the hows...but i kno always why i gotta do it. i dont wanna live on this planet anymore. i just dont want to live at all...im sorry if it sounds way too depressing. im kinda a depressing person. but with all this shitt, yea, i just wnna get away for a while

not sure if i love you

~Lost and Living

i dont really know what to say anymore cept for the fact that every day, is one day closer to telling blank. and imnot sure if i could do it. confess. you know. i wont ever see blnk again, and im on the verge of wanting to and regrettting to want it. im missing california sometimes...at random times in math class. every time i look at blank. something's changed. the eyes of the person i once longed to...has changed...or does my eyes need the fixing? so many questions, nbarely no answers at all... not afraid of dying at all. only little important things stopping me. if my friend, one who knows bout this all...says that blank wouldnt care... then, well...that'd make me feel bad. i mean, i dont want blank to change at all or have pity for me. but i just want blank to know...how deeply i loved...well...blank. but uh...im trying to live every day...wanting blank's smile...and wanting..just wanting more than what...this love gives me. my shoulders aer stresed, there are lines under my eyes, and im gonna do something else, then write my heart's desire for today.

i love you ___________

~Lost and Living

life doesnt get better...it gets worse. for me. im sitting here, on away and was talking to the love of my life. how can it get better? my hands are cold and my head is confused, and my stomach is churning all the way around.

~Lost and Living

school...ehhh....i gonire blank, and blank tries to talk to me, but all i say is a quiet :hi" and turn and leave. i dont know how it makes blank feel about that, i wish i knew, but...idk. well...thanx val for doing that stuff for me, i know you did it for me, but you didnt have to. well since blank knows, which i hopefully pray blank does, then that flirtation between blank and errr...will go in a different direction. im feelin way too good. today was great, i mean, val u did that thing which made me think "I LOVE THE WORLD" and my mom made eggrolls today, lol, and uh, other stuff, but i've been ignorin blank and i dont know...i mean, its better now that blank knows u and MB are goi out, but idk, it just feels like...its like the same way again, but i promise every one...any one, that i will not cry...ever in this year...about anything. i love blank, i really do, its just that...i just wish that our relationship wasn that hard.

i love you blank

~Lost and Living

a smile is creeping on to my face at the thought of me killin myself...

Lost and Living

im tired of breaking my back and getting not a bit closer to blank. im tired. and im done. i sometimes think about stuff like blank, then i find myself dead, with hair ties tight around my neck, and im dead, on the bathrrom floor, holding aletter in my hands with the name _________ on it. val, lets die...and wait for everyone else to come...and wait for everyone else to come. well...let me see, since school started blank has been hanging out with my friend, kind of, and well, let's call the person MB, anyways, MB and blank have every class together, and they flirt a lot in math, and only me and val are the ones hurting, but we dnt show it. and i sit right behind MB and blank. and i have to watch this 5 times a week for an hour. it kinda puts pain on me. i've been crying today, and it has been cold, so cold this past week. if rain is really God's tears, i wonder why he's crying. theres not much to do. and val, i know how much u care for MB, and u know how much i care for blank. but i dont understand why we should ignore them. this is hard. im feeling so much pain, i really dont feel any thing, but just numbness. football game..if i was there, i'd cry under the bleachers, and val, you would've crid with me. im gonna exhale until i breath tonite. i love you blank. but u dont know, and you cant feel it, and you're never gonna have it. so, kill me now god...at least...so i can be away from this

i love you blank, but you'll never know how deeply i care

if no one can see that i love you
then they are surely blind

~Lost and Living but hoping to be Found and Dead

Okay...first week of school......sucked. thats a given. but. how can i have converastion with blank if im still kinda feeling that awkwardness/jealousy thing? And im starting to like a new person. and i just met them. its not like im in love with the new person, its just that i like them alot. its just that, well...its hard...so far, so mixed...cant wait till tomorrow, so i can make a complete fool of myself, and well...im so mixed right now. its good, its bad...

i still love you, i just wish you knew though

Lost and Living

I know i havent been updating, but so much happened at school...well...ya..this program me and blank are in, and mostly all 8th graders are in, its called WEB, and during that program, blank and myself barely talked, barely did anything together. and im kinda jealous with the fact that blank is partnered up with a person who is cool and my friend. so it was kinda hard seeing them talking alot...and they are even seated with eachother in math class, and im right behind them, do u know how difficult for me to cope rite now? afer Summer Vaca ended, how much i miss cali, and its just hard to cope these days with school starting and how blank doesnt talk to me anymore, and keeps on hanging out wth the person..lets call them MB...ya. but uh, im half-convinced that they dont like eachother but my friend says that its a possibility...and well...my scar is not cleaning up nicely, im gonna have to do something bout that. school was tiring and sucky. for two reasons..blank, and i was hella tired. hella tired. not just rierd, but hella tired. so...the whole thing with school and every thing in it...Sucked. sorry if im bein dour. but i feel it rite now, i cant really help it.

I still love you _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~Lost and Living

Yeah, thats rite...blank and me saw eachother again, at our school. phew...it was like butterflies every where in my stomach for me. i didnt loook blank in the eye or at all, but once i saw blank, i nearly fainted. all my friends were there...acting like what we should be, teens who are artifically stoned. finally, we had the courage to talk with eachother, face to face. it was great, just seeing blank smile at me, theres nothing better. and it was full of passion. i kno it was just a friend smile, but it meant more to me. i was crazy at school. i was so hyper. trying to block out the pain of blank falling in love with someone on vacation. i was sweating by the middle of the day two reasons why: one, it was hott, i was wearing a sweatshirt, and it was me, jumping up and down all the time. second, blank made me melt like ice cream on a hott los angelos sunday. but even tho, we ddint say hi to eachother at first, wen i entered, i knew that blank and I were saying hello to eachother in our minds, even tho it wasnt our mouths. im trying to accept the fact that blank fell in love, and probably will have a 'another' this year of school, and i will try as hard as i can to accept. but i promise myself, i wont cry again, my friends dont like, i dont like it...then sooner or later, im gonna break a promise, and there is another scar on my arm. i hope that wont happen anymore, but you can never underestimate blank, i mean, this summer, i didnt think that blank would meet someone, and blank did. well...im trying to look on the good side, i'll see blank tomorrow at school, then on the 7th for 6th grade orientation, and then, school will start. but...you can never assume whats going to happen in middle school or as i like to say "semi-teen years"...i fell in love harder with blank, just seeing blank's face, made me fall in love harder, much harder.

My 04' Summer Theme Song: The Ataris:The Boys of Summer.

Mi amor _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~Lost and Living