i've just talked with a friend. he was helpin me out with it. made me feel a lot better, but then it just fills up my mind with questions again. "love" is just a one word feeling. its just an emotion. you can have it, lose it, give it, and im not sure what else it does or you can do with it. but well..i just have it

I'm sure that I dont want blank end up dating MB. i dont. MW cant do nothing bout it, cause MW wants it to hapen. and VB doesnt really care. i guess. its hard. doing this on my own. and its just that, if i ddint love blank, i wold love my life. love it. but i dont. im not whos fault it is, for me to love blank. but uh, they like eachother. and i cant do nothing about it. wen it happens. but i wish i was gone. i shuld've left months ago. months. but i stayed...not cause of my friends. not cause of blank. well im not sure about that one. but it was because of my Dad. he changed my mind not even knowin it. im sitting alone. i feel so rotten, and its not even funny. no one can really help me. and im alone. dont know what to do. that suicide thing is coming back to me..the plans, the wheres, the hows...but i kno always why i gotta do it. i dont wanna live on this planet anymore. i just dont want to live at all...im sorry if it sounds way too depressing. im kinda a depressing person. but with all this shitt, yea, i just wnna get away for a while

not sure if i love you

~Lost and Living

i dont really know what to say anymore cept for the fact that every day, is one day closer to telling blank. and imnot sure if i could do it. confess. you know. i wont ever see blnk again, and im on the verge of wanting to and regrettting to want it. im missing california sometimes...at random times in math class. every time i look at blank. something's changed. the eyes of the person i once longed to...has changed...or does my eyes need the fixing? so many questions, nbarely no answers at all... not afraid of dying at all. only little important things stopping me. if my friend, one who knows bout this all...says that blank wouldnt care... then, well...that'd make me feel bad. i mean, i dont want blank to change at all or have pity for me. but i just want blank to know...how deeply i loved...well...blank. but uh...im trying to live every day...wanting blank's smile...and wanting..just wanting more than what...this love gives me. my shoulders aer stresed, there are lines under my eyes, and im gonna do something else, then write my heart's desire for today.

i love you ___________

~Lost and Living

life doesnt get better...it gets worse. for me. im sitting here, on away and was talking to the love of my life. how can it get better? my hands are cold and my head is confused, and my stomach is churning all the way around.

~Lost and Living

school...ehhh....i gonire blank, and blank tries to talk to me, but all i say is a quiet :hi" and turn and leave. i dont know how it makes blank feel about that, i wish i knew, but...idk. well...thanx val for doing that stuff for me, i know you did it for me, but you didnt have to. well since blank knows, which i hopefully pray blank does, then that flirtation between blank and errr...will go in a different direction. im feelin way too good. today was great, i mean, val u did that thing which made me think "I LOVE THE WORLD" and my mom made eggrolls today, lol, and uh, other stuff, but i've been ignorin blank and i dont know...i mean, its better now that blank knows u and MB are goi out, but idk, it just feels like...its like the same way again, but i promise every one...any one, that i will not cry...ever in this year...about anything. i love blank, i really do, its just that...i just wish that our relationship wasn that hard.

i love you blank

~Lost and Living

a smile is creeping on to my face at the thought of me killin myself...

Lost and Living

im tired of breaking my back and getting not a bit closer to blank. im tired. and im done. i sometimes think about stuff like blank, then i find myself dead, with hair ties tight around my neck, and im dead, on the bathrrom floor, holding aletter in my hands with the name _________ on it. val, lets die...and wait for everyone else to come...and wait for everyone else to come. well...let me see, since school started blank has been hanging out with my friend, kind of, and well, let's call the person MB, anyways, MB and blank have every class together, and they flirt a lot in math, and only me and val are the ones hurting, but we dnt show it. and i sit right behind MB and blank. and i have to watch this 5 times a week for an hour. it kinda puts pain on me. i've been crying today, and it has been cold, so cold this past week. if rain is really God's tears, i wonder why he's crying. theres not much to do. and val, i know how much u care for MB, and u know how much i care for blank. but i dont understand why we should ignore them. this is hard. im feeling so much pain, i really dont feel any thing, but just numbness. football game..if i was there, i'd cry under the bleachers, and val, you would've crid with me. im gonna exhale until i breath tonite. i love you blank. but u dont know, and you cant feel it, and you're never gonna have it. so, kill me now god...at least...so i can be away from this

i love you blank, but you'll never know how deeply i care

if no one can see that i love you
then they are surely blind

~Lost and Living but hoping to be Found and Dead

Okay...first week of school......sucked. thats a given. but. how can i have converastion with blank if im still kinda feeling that awkwardness/jealousy thing? And im starting to like a new person. and i just met them. its not like im in love with the new person, its just that i like them alot. its just that, well...its hard...so far, so mixed...cant wait till tomorrow, so i can make a complete fool of myself, and well...im so mixed right now. its good, its bad...

i still love you, i just wish you knew though

Lost and Living

I know i havent been updating, but so much happened at school...well...ya..this program me and blank are in, and mostly all 8th graders are in, its called WEB, and during that program, blank and myself barely talked, barely did anything together. and im kinda jealous with the fact that blank is partnered up with a person who is cool and my friend. so it was kinda hard seeing them talking alot...and they are even seated with eachother in math class, and im right behind them, do u know how difficult for me to cope rite now? afer Summer Vaca ended, how much i miss cali, and its just hard to cope these days with school starting and how blank doesnt talk to me anymore, and keeps on hanging out wth the person..lets call them MB...ya. but uh, im half-convinced that they dont like eachother but my friend says that its a possibility...and well...my scar is not cleaning up nicely, im gonna have to do something bout that. school was tiring and sucky. for two reasons..blank, and i was hella tired. hella tired. not just rierd, but hella tired. so...the whole thing with school and every thing in it...Sucked. sorry if im bein dour. but i feel it rite now, i cant really help it.

I still love you _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~Lost and Living

Yeah, thats rite...blank and me saw eachother again, at our school. phew...it was like butterflies every where in my stomach for me. i didnt loook blank in the eye or at all, but once i saw blank, i nearly fainted. all my friends were there...acting like what we should be, teens who are artifically stoned. finally, we had the courage to talk with eachother, face to face. it was great, just seeing blank smile at me, theres nothing better. and it was full of passion. i kno it was just a friend smile, but it meant more to me. i was crazy at school. i was so hyper. trying to block out the pain of blank falling in love with someone on vacation. i was sweating by the middle of the day two reasons why: one, it was hott, i was wearing a sweatshirt, and it was me, jumping up and down all the time. second, blank made me melt like ice cream on a hott los angelos sunday. but even tho, we ddint say hi to eachother at first, wen i entered, i knew that blank and I were saying hello to eachother in our minds, even tho it wasnt our mouths. im trying to accept the fact that blank fell in love, and probably will have a 'another' this year of school, and i will try as hard as i can to accept. but i promise myself, i wont cry again, my friends dont like, i dont like it...then sooner or later, im gonna break a promise, and there is another scar on my arm. i hope that wont happen anymore, but you can never underestimate blank, i mean, this summer, i didnt think that blank would meet someone, and blank did. well...im trying to look on the good side, i'll see blank tomorrow at school, then on the 7th for 6th grade orientation, and then, school will start. but...you can never assume whats going to happen in middle school or as i like to say "semi-teen years"...i fell in love harder with blank, just seeing blank's face, made me fall in love harder, much harder.

My 04' Summer Theme Song: The Ataris:The Boys of Summer.

Mi amor _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~Lost and Living

Yeah, that's right. I do feel at least some happiness, last time, when blank talked to me, it was on AIM. i mean, we didnt talk much. more likely blank talked about the party i got invited to, but didnt go, because i was still licking my wounds....still...when the conversation was over, and blank had to go...i felt...like a little tiny piece of my heart being returned to me. i actually felt it..and then suddenly, i had a heartbeat again...it was a amazing feeling to feel and rejoice it....but at night...i couldnt help thinking that even tho we had a good conversation...it doesnt change the fact that they met someone on vacation and fell in love with them....i just dont forget those sorta things...well...everyone, be glad, that im at least feeling some happiness in my life...this week...has been confusing, heart aching, blood-worthy, and happiness....thats how you feel when you're in love, kids.

I love you _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~Lost and Living.

I think, the love of my life, just caused more pain for me. here is what they said on a AIM away msg.

"Staring at a cut on my hand and realizing that I did that to myself and looking for something to ease pains of missing someone that I could never know/see again"

hahaha...the person isnt me....the person is the other they met when they were on vacation. and then i went on away, and this is what i put down

"I'm licking my wounds  and not in the mood to talk.
F**k off. "

then, i went to take a shower, to cry alone, while my family thinks its the shower, when they dont know, im crying as loud as i were. well, im done now. i did chores with a happy face because my family, its what they wish to see, and i gave it to them.

Val, what happened to ur mom, that she went into the hospital? And for that, ur probably in some probs, so i dont/wont want to bother you, so i wont bother you with the blank problem. Dont worry, i'll try not to slit again.

i never had the love of my life, and i guess it'll remina the same. i mean, how can i love blank? i mostly dont have the same interests as blank, and its just messsed dude.

i cried in front of the mirror "i will never have _____!" "i have no family!" "there is no joy to my damn life"...i repeated those statements, incessently.

im so torn right now...someone, just listen to my problems, and give me some  advice how to deal with this agony. my heart has been slit into pieces. dont know how to put them back together.

~Lost and Living.

I know i should move on, I know i should just live my life like a normal person. but i cant seem to achieve those tasks. I'm just a sad heartbroken loser. This sux...I mean, school is in less a week, I don't want to talk to blank, im always sad, and im always frowning. I got back from cali today at 11 AM or something around that time. I wish i was still in cali. cause at least, i would kno, i dont live only 3 miles always from blank. If it's normal that I'm listening to really depressing songs, and writing poems at 3 AM on the computer...i wonder what freak is. i can never have blank. no matter how hard i try. You're never proud of your sexuality until joy comes with it. And well...no joy has come out of mine. I reserve the right to not say the person's name, because, I really don't want to say it. Now, forever in my life I bet, whenever i hear the name, I'm gonna think about my first love. And its gonna sting like a bee, sting hard too. You know, yesterday ight, it really did feel i had no heart in myself. I love blank, dearly, oh so dearly, the truth remains as, my hope of love, is gone. this is why my username is Pesstimestic101...even tho, i didnt spell it rite...or did i? idk...but, i always think of the bad things first. i guess that's what is instilled in me. in my head im saying 'stop complaing. move on with your life.' my friend, told me, long ago, that it's not worth loving and giving a person love if they don't give it back to you. well...as u can see, i ignored that fact. im on my knees begging to God to let blank go from me. Blank will always have a friend in me, its just that, the one thing, that could make my life complete, the one thing, i could die of happiness, will not be there, as hard as i wish. blank isnt like that, and i've got to learn how to deal with that. val, you said "you never know until you say something" well...blank said they met another, and well..i think it totally blows my chance. its raining in Oregon. mom told me it started raining on saturday and up till now, its been raining. i wonder why.

Je T'aime *******

~Lost and Living

this is the last day I'm in california...sweet sweet warm wonderful california. my place, my home. well...Blank did not come on AIM today, well i was mostly away, so i dont know....well whever i checked the screen, blank wasnt on. no words can feel my depression rite no...its hrrible. and WEB (something for school) starts in less than a week, im gonn have to see blank again. i mean...this year...will it be like the last? just jokes, and thats it? no really hanging out...no real friendship... i dont know dude. i mean, i tried surfing all day long...but that didnt help. i mean, i even met someone down here, but...my mind keeps on having the image of Blank on that person's face. this is real hard. i can explain it. well...just wish me luck on the first day i see the love of my life face again...i'll try not to cry on that day too...

~Lost and Living

ps. this shall be my last post from california...california, i love you. lol. CALIFORNIA ROCKS BABY!

Last night, I cried again. But not this much this time. I reall thought about blank. How blank went on 6 rides with another. How they talked for 3 hours. Blank says where blank is, is "bad" but then blank tells me, blank met three new friends, and fell madly in love with a 17 year old. I really don't know what to do anymore...

I love you *******

~Lost and Living

Lately I've been thinking alot. I went through good times, the times, i had my arm around blank. and how good it felt. the good times, you know...it felt so right, so pure, so genuine. i don't want to lose blank, i don't...I read my blogs, and im like "I'M SO BEING DRAMA QUEENY-ISH!"...its not a good feeling. When blank came on twice on AIM, i didnt want to talk to blank, and obviously, i know, blank never ever IMs me. it's a thing i've learned.listen to Howie Day and his song "Collide" or "Ghost" really makes you feel depressed. its another day gone wrong. even tho, its hard, cause i cant say to blank "I HATE YOU NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!" cause, they don't know what they did wrong, and if i told, well...its just complicated and complex. today was extra hard...i mean, i feel no love anymore...none...even if blank has friend love for me, whihc i doubt, i feel no love from nothing. even my friends...or my family...i think i cant love again, cause its hard to move on. ya kno? and the worst part, afer 8th grade, i wont see blank anymore, actually i dont want to, cause...if i do...i'd probably fall in love all over again too, and i dont want that to happen to me anymore. i'll hear from blank's friensd that blank has moved on, found a new person, fell in love, and the memory just faded...the memory of falling in love young. if any one can tell me how to escape from the ghost of blank, tell me how, cause, this unbearable pain, is growing more painful each day.you know val. ur right. when blank is gone and not here...im in pain, but worst of all. when blank is rite next to me, i feel the worst kind of pain, cause you know why? blank isn't really there, blank will never feel and return the same love to me. that's true agony.  yesterday, the only half of my heart left, got slit out by the person i love more than death. and today, i actually felt the nothingness that is where my heart is suppose to be. this has got to be the most depressing day ever...

I love you *******
thank you for slitting the rest of my heart out

~Here and Dying

im just sitting rite now...i don't think im going to see a sunset today...i've never been this depressed before. well amybe, but i can't remember it. what's important is now. and now...its just sad. i heard its raining in Oregon, i wonder why...the water in San Diego is so cold...it wasnt like that 2 days ago...and its not one of the sunniest days either here...it just feels like September 11th for me..cept...no one died...its sad day...for only me. :cry:

~Lost and Living

COULDn't SleeP

yea...that's rite. last night in couldnt sleep, i cried for about an hour. didnt want to, crying is something that i dont wanna do...cause it hurts my heart, and my soul. i love blank, i really do, but sometimse, i feel so broken, i cant erally do nothing about it, and it just hurts, pain keeps us alive, and if happiness makes us die...then shall be it. i give up, i seriously do. i realized this morning, looking at myself in the mirror. i give up on blank. i can't keep on living like this. if blank is acting differnt than usual...im not gonna stop this time. this summer...and last summer...they are both so hard. last summer, was one of the most difficult times of my life, i'll admit that, this summer...its worse, cause blank fell in love with a person, i dont know, never seen, and i prayed to God Almighty, that blank wouldnt meet someone, they blank did. then, mixed emotions came over me, what if blank never sees the person they fell madly in love with ever again? but...then, what if they keep in touch, and...they keep a relationship? i remember the things blank told me yesterday, how the two of them spent 3 hours talking, and how they both went on 6 rollercoasters together...you guys dont know how much that hurts me to thnink about that.

JEAlousy...
i can tell you that, jealousy takes over me. and in the worst ways. i come to the point where i say "i didn't want _______ anyway"...andvthat i shouldnt SHOULDNT feeel these things at all...cause to me...its so WRONG! wrong...when blank finds out, or when i tell blank, im gonna feel more freak than normal. its something im not proud of. i wont...will not say anything to affend blank, cause, what happened last summer...i blame it all on my Jealousy too. and it got me 4 months of not talking to blank. seriously, you guys don't know how it feels when those four months of heartbreak came. and its hard enough to have your heart half-ripped out by the love of your lfie, but its worse, when they rip out the other half. this isnt rite...i bet next summer will be the most hutrful, painful one of all three. blank will be gone, i'll be here still...wishing i could die oh so easily.

SUNset
my life...is like a sunset...kinda...see, i love sunsets, i fell in love with one. mine went down the first time, i met blank tho. just so happens, i watch a sunset yesterday...it was bright...it slowly faded down, under the city of san diego, i watched it go down, as i sat on the tall slide, on the tall hill of my cousin's house. it was beautiful...i was struck by its beauty...and...all sunsets, dont look the same, and they always have a different message. in this sunset, the message was "If you love _____. Go after _____." it was incredible...it felt like God was talking to me. but the thing is...im deathly scared...fear...

OBSEssed
its true...i am obsessed, well at least i think i am. but its seriosuly a blinde line, i cant see. like, whether, this is just an obsession or genuine love. like life and death...im livnig...but i feel like i am dying oh so slowly inside. last night...i didn't cry as i thought i would...i didnt cry so much, that my eyes are puffy, and my nose is still stuffy. i said to myself "maybe..its because, i've been thru this before, and last time, was the first time it hurts. the first rip of the heart is always the most wounding" and its true...i've been thru this before, and it hurts, but nothing compares to the first rip.

PEsstimestic
okay...i dont really know how to spell that, but whatever. me being psestimestic, is me knowing the truth already. and i mean, i dont like being pesstimestic...its just me telling the truth.

SURFING
i went surfing all morning...to at least clear my head and not think about blank. blank is always in my head...and i cant seem to get blank out. i tried making new friends here, i did...some..they all get me, and stuff, and im sitting next to a person, who i met, and they remind me so much of how blank looks. bracists, brown hair...i just couldnt really get blank off my mind this morning. im sitting here now...not knowing what to do...not knowing how to help myself...

to all of you, who are reading a old dog's wounds...thanks

~Lost and Living

im sitting in my cuzin's house rite now, looking out the window of dreams, you can say its a plain old window, but its not...so quiet rite now...i thought about today...how my heart stopped pouring, and how my soul faded away, how madly blank is in love with another, how many of my friends are upset about my actions. micheal said "Life gets better" val said before "blank might...but you never know until you say something" mattie said "Blank will understand" and i say "........" i dont say anything. cause im speechless...my friends are such good caring understanding friends...thank you guys for listening to a wounded abandoned black-sheep.

blank...i love you...forever in my heart...and in my soul. when you go to wherever your eyes can only see, hopefully, you'll take the love i offered, yeah, i kno the heart has no more blood in it, but its yours, and plus, the blood is just all over your jeans. you falling in love with another, is not a suprise, you intrigue most, and you're just awesome, how cant another fall in love with you? by the way, when you carve my heart out, can you please use a knife that is dull an rusted? so it doesnt hurt as much.my love for you will never die, never fade, never drift, never be in the arms of another. you are my first love, and theres no better feeling in the damn whole wide world. At the end, we just 'collide' into eachother's arms, like we always do. my love for you, is like an unbearable pain with a sweet bitter taste. You're like a ghost, cold chills go up my spine, but i'm addicted to who you were, and who you are. i feel bad, cause there's possibly nothing i can say to make you feel alive again. I'm falling into memories of you and it's the only thing that pulls me thru everyday,the good times, not the bad. cause the bad makes me slit. and slit so awfully deep. i've never had a yearning quite like this before. never. i wonder if i will ever see you again, in life...who knows we might walk down a new york street and we'll pass, without a word...but i know you'll be happy...cause im not in ur life.

i love you *******.

whoever is reading this...thanx for taking the time to read a old dog's anger, anghst and agony.

~Lost and Living